One-thirty in New York

I have a thing for the combination of violins and guitars. There's something about the grace of a violin with the precision and the ringing tones of a guitar... They are both extremely emotional instruments for me, always have been. The violin is longing, the guitar, nostalgia. They are the past and the future, hopes and the memories they are built upon, all rolled up into one tonal harmony.

"remembering
your touch, your kiss, your warm embrace
I'll find my way
back to you
if you'll be waiting"

You know, it's funny, because we always reference CTY in contrast to the "real world", but the thing is, the "real world" is just this enormous thing made up of little "unreal" worlds.


Shannon
Carlisle 03.2 Ethics
Carlisle 04.2 Philosophy of Mind
Carlisle 05.1 Modern European History
Carlisle 05.2 The 60's

http://xkcd.com/c223.html

The thing I love about xkcd is that it demonstrates the multilicity of the nerds--- romance and truth and inquisition and quirk are all natural instincts to all of us, regardless of the form they take. I have my poetry, Jason has his cars, Yoda has his bicycles (see? i can spell it right!) and computers, Dominique has her shoes, Olivia has her studies, my mom has her baking... We search, and we find. Shit happens. So do rainbows.

CTY Reunion update to come... Tommorrow?

In the meantime, it's photo things, and Korematsu things, and making money things, and music things! And the fact that being a second semester senior does not mean that I have either right or responsibility to be a lump, and the fact that I couldn't be if I tried anyway... Things!

Ah, I like to make to-do lists... But I like crossing stuff off of them even better.

And I like being shady. Or actually, not being shady around people who are, but getting away with doing shady things with them. I'm not shady, just poetic. There's a very very fine line to that.

I also like grapefruit juice and cyan stockings that are soft and make me want to stroke my knees. That's not shady or poetic, just creepy.

I'm thinking about secret admirers, thanks to another livejournal entry written, perhaps ironically, by someone whom I rather secretly admire. In it, she questioned the very existence of secret admirers--- in today's information-driven and accessibility-driven society, have they all turned to stalkers? To me, it seems that the difference between a secret admirer and a stalker is the manner by which information on the subject of affection is

wait. i was just informed that i have the opportunity to take a gap year in Montreal. holy fucking crap. what would i be doing? damn that Yale paper and its recording system.

okay, so what if i were to do a few months with Olivia in Guatemala
some time doing something or other in Montreal
and then finding some other amazing thing to do... in the States?

wait, what? OMG!

ANYWAY. About the stalkers and the secret admirers. The basic difference between a stalker and a secret admirer is the manner by which information on the subject of affection is gathered--- a stalker goes out of their way to gather as much information as possible on the object of affection, whereas a secret admirer learns things and in reaction to these pieces of information, develops an affection for the object. More than that, even, is the nature of the affection turned towards the object: among stalkers, this affection easily turns to obsession, whereas in secret admirers, it is not so much passive or obsessive as it is simply a quiet sort of admiration.

I have a lot more to say about that, but not right now. Too distractable.

Whenever I'm counting something, like sit-ups or seconds, I always count one more than I have to ---61 seconds in a minute, or 101 sit-ups, for example--- just in case. I have a habit of missing things in the middle and I've gotten into the habit of playing catch-up... Just in case.

There's a scab on my toe from where I cut my foot jumping out of a car to say hello to my Aunt's best friend, my favorite pseudo relative who is tall and redheaded and oversexed and from Long island, but who speaks with a slight British accent and goes to Thailand on marathon vacations to catch a little Southeast Asian sun. I love her and I was wearing strappy stilettos at the time, which certainly did not help with the cut on my toe. But I kept them on because I wanted to be fabulous. It's beginning to heal.

I don't do cute. I am not cute, and have not been since the third grade. I have never had much of a predilection for the cute stuff, for newborn babies and warm fuzzy things and cuddly voices. My grandmother made me wear a pale pink lace dress once when I was 9, and I looked ridiculous with it's frivolousness hanging over my bruised knees, clashing with the little boy cut of my hair and smudged glasses I was always too busy to clean. Hell, I'm still too busy to clean my glasses. But I did like the shoes that went with that dress--- they were pink and satin, with a little heel and square toes that I felt glamorous dancing in. It made up for the lace.

But these days, I've developed a thing for the fuzzy stuff. I cry all the time--- watching Grey's Anatomy, talking about memories, reading a poem for English. I took a picture of a baby at Small World, and I think it might just be one of the best pictures I've yet to take. I smile watching mothers with their newborns, and I'm developing a thing for pudding and Puggle puppies. Why? I think I know.

I'm mo0re in touch with myself. I am under the influence of me, me and this kind of cosmic happiness that makes even the depressing moments a little bit okay. Cosmic happiness and coming to terms, of course, brings with it plenty of tears. Tonight, almost two years later, I had my first good cry over my grandfather's death. I miss him.

I think I'm going to buy some roses.

TO DO:
organize all stuff to sell
set up ebay/craigslist accounts
take pictures of stuff to sell

make flyers

get a bike
job?

summer plans

dominique's b-day present
withdraw from bank
get $35 from mom
plans for sunday
doodle notecards?

schedule a concrete time to meet with ms. m
edit litmag submission #1

finish history work, latest poetry assignment, raphael worksheet

hitops

call olivia
finish her christmas, b-day presents
christmas present for fiona
finalize plans for president's day weekend (liv, cty, kat)

and, as usual:
CHAPBOOK
SCHOLARSHIPS
INTERNSHIPS

pigtails
gay flag elasticky belt that my mom bought in the 70's
red clownish shoes
bickering
being in the wrong
wanting people to get that i am trying
peanut butter and honey sandwich
forgotten math book
audio on my camera
the double bass
and violin
sleepy
odd waking up this morning
almost being on time
really actually trying
and caring
and i wonder if people see it

When is the last time you held hands with someone? saturday?

You wake up as the opposite gender, what's the one thing you do? close my eyes.

Have you ever crawled through a window? but of course. to get on my roof.

Where is your mom? working.

Morning or night person? night, though lately "night person" has taken the form of waking up to work when it's still dark out...

Do you have a crush on anyone right now? do crushes have to be secret? if not, then yes.

heh. that's an interesting thought.

What's something your friends make fun of you for? i'm a little windy.

What is your curfew? where am i?

Would you ever dye your hair red? what kind of red?

What's your worst personality flaw? i'll letcha know.

What career would you wish to be in? it's funny, because i really just want to have adventures. and though i'd expect to put down freelance writer on here, which is really what i do want to do, the first thing i thought of was "teacher". so let's put down academia--- best of both worlds? let's see how it goes.

Do you want a well paying job or a job you enjoy? i want to be able to bring my work home.

Do you wish to have the same best friends when you're older? yeah. the best ones are the ones you should want to keep.

Do you believe in needing a religion? depends on how you define religion. i believe in needing a spiritualism, if you'll excuse me for being really fucking... me.

When were you last on the phone? an hour and a half ago?

What were the shoes you wore today? yoga sneakers. (paradox? no.)

Do you like math? depends on the math.

Do you have a brother? nope.

Did your great grandad fight in the civil war? i'm under the impression that my ancestors all immigrated here some fifty years after the fact...

Who's your favorite person to talk to online? I don't really talk online that much anymore. But when I do? Yoda. Dome. Schuyler.

Have you ever used photobucket? not for my own albums

Do you like hugs? Mutual ones, yeah.

Do you want to be a doctor? LOVE DOCTOR!

Have you ever fallen asleep with gum in your mouth? more often than i'd like to admit

What do you do right before you go to bed? turn out the light on my bedside table, set my cell phone alarm, find a spot in bed.

Right when you get out of bed? freak out because i've invariably slept too late.

Do you want to be famous? Depends on what I'm famous FOR.

TEN ARE YOU'S.
Are you missing someone right now? yeah. (these surveys ALWAYS ASK THAT QUESTION... i need to stop taking them)

Are you happy? cosmically, yes.

Are you talking to anyone right now? nope.

Are you bored? i'm not enthralled, but i am entertained enough, for the moment.

Are you German? nope.

Are you Irish? yep.

Are you French? nope.

Are you Italian? hell yes bitch

Are your parents still married? nope

Do you like someone right now? mais oui

TEN FAVORITES.
Store: Small World? any number of places in New York?

Flowers: scarlet roses.

Color: the ones that make me smile

Sport: define sport.

Mall: ew. don't have one.

Music: Canon.

Food: raspberries. yogurt. chocolate. really good bread. cheese. pomegranates. avocados. roof stuff.

Season: Summer. And Fall.

Animal: fireflies

State: New York


TEN FACTS.
Hometown: Princeton, NJ

Hair color: brown with red highlights in the summer

Tattoos?: none.

Hair style: we're working on it.

Best friend? Dominique. Yoda.

Mood: frustrated.

Skin color: i could give you some specific shade...

Lefty/righty: righty.

Piercings: none, actually.

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE.

Have you ever been in love? Yes.

Do you believe in love: Always.

Why did your last relationship fail: No connection.

Have you ever been heartbroken: I used to think so.

Have you ever broken someone's heart?: I hope not.

Have you ever fallen for one of your best friends: Yeah. It was the best feeling in the world.

Have you ever liked someone but never told them: hahaha, oh yeah.

Are you afraid of commitment? Not if the commitment should be had.

Has someone ever kissed your hand? Yes.

Have you ever had a secret admirer? Maybe. The'd be secret, wouldn't they?

Meme:
Reply to this post, and I'll tell you at least one reason why I like you.
Then put this in your own journal, and spread the love.

Thing:
"Don't be tempted by the shiny apple,
don't you eat of a bitter fruit
hunger only for a taste of justice
hunger only for a world of truth
'cause all that you have is your soul"
---Tracy Chapman.

God, I love her.

It occurs to me that my user info page is rather existential.

Gaspz.
This reminds me of a really good sonnet.

My new favorite kind of bagel: plain with olive cream cheese. It tastes like friendship.

I love it when people see you sitting at the next table at 7.00 in the morning, waiting for school to start, and move their stuff over to sit with you and chat about politics and college (now that the madness is mostly abetted). And then they share their bagels with you. And smile, and laugh, and you think, god, it's these people that I want to remember, that I want to still be with long after this place has crumbled away.

Funny how the wallpaper jumps out and decorates your life sometimes.

So it seems that the New Year has brought with it flip-flop weather in January, an end to the college application process, and the beginning of the rest of my life.

Oh, my life just began again. And again. And look there, again!

It's incessant, dammit!

In any case, I have resolved (not a New Year's resolution, mind you; this was done with the intent for change, not the intent to stand by the tradition... I don't believe that one should need the change in a desk calendar to make them resolve something) to continue with my participation in the lj world... After a hiatus, it has occured to me that my notebook isn't wuite enough; I need a journal for structured entries, for real stories about my day and not just tidbits of moments and private little thoughts. The way I organize the manifestations of my mind is kind've weird; I need one place for the little passing things ("kiss the joy as it flies"), a place for all of my little "kisses", as it were, and then a place for how all of those moments came together to create the story of my day... Stories that I want to tell and share with people, and not just keep for myself. Tis the beauty of a livejournal--- the sharing, the keeping track, the interchange. In other words, if I wanted to keep the stories to myself, I would. But I don't.

A person has got to share.

Which is not to say that tidbits won't worm their way into this space as well... Whatever. What happens happens. It's a livejournal. Let's not take ourselves too seriously. Or something.

Today:

thinking about a Gap Year
really thinking about a Gap Year
worrying about money
cursing cars and the automobile industry
wondering how i an save up enough money to finagle this Gap Year
surprise New York visits on the morrow
God's Thumbnail
the dark side of the moon and it's starlight
smelling winter through the moonroof
Dominique as a farm girl
cell phone pics
going too fast on the back roads, screaming out the window, the wind in my hair
blue jeans
pink tank top
wet hair
a good book
sitting on the front porch admiring the sunset
thinking about Winter
wondering about Christmas
Thanksgiving's come and gone
wanting a bike, really badly
needing a bike, even worse
cookies
comparing nights in places
continuing meditations on the financial sitaution

Just as I was thinking about how last Thanksgiving weekend, Shae and Paul and Max and I went gallavanting around the city and had one of those amazing nights only New York City can birth, Paul called, and apparently we're doing it all over again tommorrow. I am so happy to be doing this again, because I do not want to lose them, or the Shae-Paul-Max-Shannon New York City I loved last year, but, like all things that one does at the same time every year (and wouldn't it be amazing if this became an annual tradition?), it enunciates just how much things have changed. And I love it. I'm glad they've changed--- thank god they've changed. But it should be interesting to see how tommorrow is with them all different. How silliness happens when I am finally happy. Because I've realised that throughout my life, the moments when I've been the funniest and the silliest and the craziest, the nights like we spent last fall scrambling around Paul's room like a bunch of sugrar-crazed animals... Those moments of happiness (giddiness) were all a release from a greater life in which I was not happy. And now I'm happy. So how will a weekend that is traditionally about silliness, about requiem, go, when I no longer need a requiem from my life?

This is all part of that realisation I am making that just because one returns to the practice of something they did before (picking up a book they put down long ago, or going to old haunts with old friends), it does not mean that they have to return to the same state of mind or being that they were in when they originally did that thing. If that makes any sense at all. The underlying point here is that just because I am rereading a book I read when I was miserable, does not mean that I have to be miserable, nor does it bring me back to that time in my life. It dosen't make me miserable. And having a Thanksgiving Weekend Day with Shae and Paul and Max will not change my state of life or mind whatsoever; just because the last time I saw them, I was unhappy in my life does not mean that seeing them tommorrow will change the fact that I am happy now. But I wonder if I will project my current life onto that book (I already have), and onto our day tommorrow. I probably would. And I hope that the result will come out well. I have a feeling that if we're worth it, it will.

I'm happy and am ready to celebrate that with old friends who I'm sure will see it. Tommorrow will be a good day.

I second Schuyler on the Richard Dawkins thing.

1) choose 15 different people
2) don't mention names
3) feel free to comment


1. I just got off the phone with you and I can't believe it's been so long... On the one hand, it's amazing that two people who have known each other since ballet stockings and pink tights are still in touch and can still talk so well and fill in those same old beautiful niches and be such good friends and pick up where we left off every time we talk as if there has been no space between us at all... And yet it amkes me a little sad that those baggy tights memories are the only really solid ones we've got. Let's make some more, eh? Amazing as it might be in theory that we still keep in touch, what's really amazing is that it's been so long since we've seen each other, cinsidering we're you and me. There will always be "you and me" kinds of people in everyone's life, and you're one in mine. After all this time, I still love you like I did when we were four and sitting on the edge of the beday in your bathroom, thinking it was something we were supposed to wash our feet in.





...Actually, after that first one, I've come to realise that there aren't things that I don't say to people anymore, any comments or proofs or heartfelt notions that I hide. I'm living, and I love you for it. So thanks, but I'm done with this meme.

1.Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours? Yoda and I could have some fun adventures that way.

...bike-riding, anyone?

2. Who do you blame for your mood today? Yoda.

3. Have you ever seen a dead body? Not live.

woah, that was totally unintentional.

4. What should we do w/ stupid people? It depends on what you mean by "stupid".

5. How long do you think you will live? I like Gabi's answer...

6. What was the first thing you did this morning? Hugged.

7. What's the carpet look like in your room? There isn't one.

WOOD FLOORS, BITCH!

8. How many times did you fail your driver's test? None... Though I almost didn't take it, thanks to forgetting the passport and having my mom go sixty on the back roads of princeton to make the trip home and back to the DMV in under an hour...

9. Last person you went out to dinner with? Yoda and the Dalton Tech people, who were very, very cool. As are waffles and fried chicken.

"that's Jackie Chan!"
"that's not Jackie Chan!"
"that's Jackie Chan!"
"that's not Jackie Chan!"

10. Are you spoiled? I don't think so...

11. Do you drink lots of water? Quite a bit. I should drink more, though.

12. What toothpaste do you use? It depends. Who's asking?

13. How do you vent your anger? I swear a lot. And write. And eventually talk. A lot.

14. The last compliment you received? *smile*

15. Do you look more like your mother or father? Mother.

16. When was the last time you threw up? I honestly don't remember.

17. Is/are your best friend(s) a good friend? The best friend I could possibly have.

18. What theme does your room have? It's a cross between a disco and an ice cream shop, infused with lots and lots of me.

20. Are you a momma's child or a daddy's girl? Neither, really. It's an interesting dynamic.

21. Would you ever join the military? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

22. The last website you visited? Apart from this one... Sheldon Brown!!!

23. Who was the last person you took a picture with? Dominique!

24. What was the last show you've been to? eek.

25. Last person you went to the movies with? Yoda? Geez, that was a long time ago.

26. The last person you stared at? Yoda. I like that question.

27. Number of layers on your bed? Two?

28. Is anything alive in your room? Jassie and Aluicious the Spider Plant.

29. Today, would you rather go back a week or go forward a week? Forward, goddammit.

31. What is your current goal to achieve? COLLEGE!

32. How is your hair? Straight, Brown. Yeah.

33. What is your current worry? That this college thing is going to kill me.

34. Do you have plans for spring break? Jeez, not yet.

---------PAST 24 HOURS HAVE YOU------

Cried: Nearly, actually.
Worn jeans: Yup. Still wearin' em! ...Actually, I'm pretty sure that I've been wearing them for like 26 hours straight at this point, if you count the time change...
Met someone: mhmmmmmm
Done laundry: Yes! Oh jeez, have to finish that...
Talked on the phone: Yup!
Kissed someone: *grin*
Said I love you: *grin*

--------------D0 Y0U BELiEVE iN-------------

Yourself: Yeah
Your friends: They wouldn't really be my friends if I didn't believe in them at least a little... Not taht you have to be totally 100% supportive and believing to be a good friend, but--- in general, if someone is your friend, you tend to have a little faith in them, on some level.
Tooth Fairy: Depends on what you mean by "tooth fairy".

--------FRiENDS AND LiFE---------

Hi my name is: Your mom.

When you cried the most who was there?: It depends on the time, but mostly Yoda.

What's the best feeling in the world?: Getting it.

Worst Feeling: Losing it. And not knowing why.

--------WHiCH iS BETTER----------

Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate!

Coke or Pepsi: Coke for taste... But between the two horrendous corporations, Pepsi is slightly more conscionable. Slightly.

Love or Lust: Love. That comes with as much lust as you'll ever need... And in that context, it means something.

Sprite or 7UP: ew.

Scruff or Clean: clean and scruffy.

Blondes or Brunettees: Brunettes.

Tall or Short: Tall, but not too.

Movie or dinner: Depends on the movie. Depends on the dinner.

Night or Day: Always always always night.

-------WiTH THE 0PP0SiTE SEX------

What do you notice first: I don't know. It all comes around.

What personality trait draws you to them: Jeez. Intelligence, intellectualism, depth, wisdom, sense of humor, caring, zest, compassion, down-to-earth-ness, and a million other things I can't even characterize because it all depends on how they fit with me.

----------THE LAST TiME Y0U...-----

Showered: Yesterday evening. I'm actually about to hop in right now.

Cried: I almost did last night in the car, and before that in the parking lot of the train station. But actually cried? Honestly, it's really cheesy, but it might ahve been at the end of that Grey's Anatomy episode... Hey, everybody needs a release, right?

-----WH0------

Who makes you laugh?: Yoda, Dominique, Paul, Sergio, Himnanshu, Kogulan, and pretty much every CTYer ever.

Has a crush on you?: No underground ones that I know of.

-------WH0 WAS THE LAST PERS0N...---------

You talked to on the phone?: Yoda!

You messaged: Yoda!

You kissed: Guess who? Yes, also Yoda.

You hugged: Yoda!

“There’s new kids with new ideas all over the world... They’ll make their own places — it doesn’t matter whether it’s here or wherever it is.”

“It’s a symptom of the empty new prosperity of our city.”

"they were just gonna play this music for people who wanted to hear it"

"graffiti may have been born there, for all we know."

"if you're gonna live in new york, you've gotta face ongoing history"

"the music is what makes it happen, and the spirit has to go on, regardless of what sort of walls you're in"



So CBGB is closed. And I never got to go... Hey, legacy, by definition, never stops, right?